"We're going to be doing school all summer!"

Written by Jessie Wiegand

"We'll be doing school all summer!"

This seems to be a common lament around this time of year as the hope of spring rises within us. We are relieved that the long winter seems like its finally coming to an end, but then we realize that we haven't reached the page or chapter in our curriculum that we thought we'd have completed by now. Adding up the remaining chapters next to a calendar that only has 12 weeks in it until June starts with uneasiness and ends with panic:

Well, we don't really need a spring break. . .
I suppose it's not necessary to take off Memorial Day. . .
Maybe we could keep doing school for the whole month of June. . .
We could vacation next year. . .
We could just work in the morning and have fun in the afternoon. .
I guess a full day wouldn't be so horrible; we'd still have our evenings free...

That last statement is where we notice that we are breathing shallowly and our whole body is tense.

In the last 15 years of my homeschooling experience, I will honestly tell you that I have probably only had 1 or 2 years where we have come comfortably and serenely to the end of our school year at the end of May. The other 12-13 years, I struggled with feelings of failure, discouragement, and a sometimes crushing pressure that I had not fulfilled what I had set out to accomplish with my  kids academically.

There were times that I handled that well, and times that I handled it not so well. I'll start with the not so well.

• Self-degradation: This would be the negative downward spiral of focusing solely on my own faults and berating myself for all of my inconsistencies, my lack of discipline, and my perceived incompetence. If I had not done______, and, instead, did ______, this would have turned out differently. If I wasn't _____ and, instead, was ______, I could have accomplished my goal. If I were less like me and more like ______, my homeschool would be more like theirs. 
• Self- idolizing: I tend to go right from self-degradation to self-idolization, which is a peculiar leap if you think of it too shallowly. Because self-degradation is such a self-focused exercise, it can naturally lead into self idolizing mantras like these: This is all my fault. We'll never be able to catch up now. Nothing can fix the mistakes I've made.
• Negative absolutes: These are easy conclusions to arrive at after the above thought processes: I am a complete failure. My kids will never succeed in life. I have ruined my kids academically, and they would be better off in an organized school. I should quit homeschooling. 

I have a habit of setting pretty high expectations for myself and for my children, so, unfortunately, the standard I set is rather hard to achieve. Because of my faith in Jesus, there is a major competing force inside of me between my natural desire to be focused on myself and rely on my own abilities to reach the goals I set for myself, and the Holy Spirit's desire to focus on the will of the Father and His guidance and strength to reach His desired ends.
When I become aware that I have fallen into the pattern of my flesh that results in self-degradation, self-idolizing, and negative absolutes, I have been astonished at the way that God deals with my failure, and have been so relieved by His grace in my life. He chooses whether through the insight of a member of the family of believers, or through His own wise and quiet voice within me, to give the gift of these alternative ways to handle my failure:

• Honesty: Honesty that is a gift from God allows us to see ourselves as we truly are both in our failures and our successes. When I have seen my school year through the lens of Holy Spirit empowered honesty, I have seen areas where I was lazy, passive, and disorganized, but I see them in light of my standing before the Lord as a chosen daughter. I see them as areas that God can grow and develop my character, not as sentences to a life controlled by them. I also have a perspective of my successes that enables me to see His hand in the details of my life, letting Him take credit for them instead of haughtily assuming that I accomplished them on my own.
• Repentance: The ability to be honest about myself leads me to grief about my sinfulness and those areas where I have willfully chosen to gratify my flesh instead of submitting to His Spirit, and I am compelled to come to the reality of the cross again to remind myself that Jesus paid for all sin, past, present, and future.
• Forgiveness: God is so faithful that repentance almost instantly results in relief from the burdens of my sins. I realize that I will always struggle with the expectations that I naturally set for myself, but that God is with me in every detail of the process urging me on to success and developing my character through my failures.
• Hope: This is the great gift that has kept me homeschooling all of these years. I know that God is at work in me and my children, and that His mercy and grace will compensate for all of our inadequacies. He has a plan for all of us that He will fulfill as He sees fit. He will use everything that happens to us in this life to mold and shape us, and He will glorify Himself through our lives. This hope is not blind or superficial, and it only comes after honesty, repentance, and forgiveness have authentically taken place in my heart.
  

I didn't plan on writing you all a book here, but I needed to write these things to hear them again myself. Every year of homeschooling produces something different in me; it is truly the tool of so much sanctification in my life. I have succeeded and failed yet again this year, but God is making me and my children better people because of it. I pray that I will continue to be honest about my failures and successes, wholeheartedly repent for my sin, accept the loving forgiveness of the Father, and grow my faith through the hope that He provides. And I especially entrust that He will do the same for all of you.